


Safe

by LiaIsInLove



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depressed Niall, Depression, Hospitalization, In-patient, Loneliness, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Niall-centric, Other, Psych Ward, Psychiatric Hospitals, Sad, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Niall, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, psychiatric ward
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-10-18
Packaged: 2018-02-24 01:45:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2563694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiaIsInLove/pseuds/LiaIsInLove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They asked me if I felt safe.  I said yes.  I knew no one would hurt me.  I wasn’t scared or anything.  I just wanted to die.  That’s why I was there, after all.  But I didn’t feel like they would hurt me.  I didn’t care about anything at that point.  I just wanted to sleep.</p><p>Or the one where Niall reflects on what it means to be safe.</p><p>This may be triggering.  I am by no means vivid, but if there is any possibility that you could be harmed or triggered in any way, shape, or form please do not read this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Safe

**Author's Note:**

> This is about living with severe mental illness. It is from the point of view of someone who suffers from several mental illnesses, and subsequently may seem like it condones some extremely harmful and dangerous behaviors. This is from a perspective distorted by disease. THIS IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER JUSTIFIES, CONDONES, OR MAKES LIGHT OF ANY DANGEROUS BEHAVIORS OR THOUGHTS.
> 
> IF YOU MIGHT BE TRIGGERED IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM BY READING THIS, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, I BEG YOU, DO NOT READ THIS. YOU ARE NOT MISSING MUCH, I PROMISE.
> 
> IF YOU ARE HAVING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS OR URGES TO HARM YOURSELF IN ANY WAY, PLEASE VISIT THE LINKS TO DIFFERENT HOTLINES THAT PROVIDE 24 HOUR SERVICE TO HELP YOU. I will fully list them in the end notes as well as some other info and recourses, but these are the links to websites that list them:  
> http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html  
> http://insteadofcutting.tumblr.com/hotlines  
> https://self-injury.net/resources/hotlines
> 
> ***
> 
> If you are struggling with any form of mental illness, suicidal, or self injurious thoughts behaviors or tendencies, please, please, please seek help. There is no shame whatsoever in asking for help. And I promise you that you are worth it.
> 
> To those of you strong enough to have made it this far living with whatever setbacks and challenges you face, you are warriors. You are courageous, and strong, and can do anything you set your mind to, maybe not at first, or in the traditional way, but you are resilient and determined, and I admire you. I recognize your struggles and what you must face everyday, and I am so incredibly sorry that you have had such pain and sorrow. I understand that whatever it is you face, you are neither at fault nor do you deserve it, and I urge you to continue being a warrior.

They asked me if I felt safe. I said yes.  I knew no one would hurt me.  I wasn’t scared or anything.  I just wanted to die.  That’s why I was there, after all.  But I didn’t feel like they would hurt me.  I didn’t care about anything at that point.  I just wanted to sleep.

They asked me if I felt safe. I said yes.  The unit was locked, and I was away from my home, but that didn’t mean anything.  Well it did. But at the same time it didn’t. I didn’t really care. I just wanted to sleep.

They asked me if I felt safe. I said yes.  My door had a window and my bathroom was kept locked at all times. They promised that they would never lock my door and trap me in my room.  They said I could come out into the common area any time I wanted. I didn’t care if they locked me in or not; it made no difference, I was already locked up.  But I didn’t care.  I just wanted to sleep.

They asked me if I felt safe. I said yes.  They said I could come find them anytime if I felt unsafe or scared.  There would be someone on guard all night.  They would check in every fifteen minutes, peering with a flashlight in at me through the window in my door.  I didn’t care if they kept my door wide open and shone a searchlight on me.  I didn’t care at all.  I just wanted to sleep.

They asked me if I felt safe. I said yes. They had me in a room with a starched bed with a single nondescript tan blanket, a faded blue armchair with the cushion sewn down, open cubbies for storage, thick glass windows overlooking the parking lot, hideously faded wallpaper, and a tiny television screen bolted in behind a Plexiglas shield.  They said I could watch TV but I wasn’t allowed to keep the remote in the room with me.  I had to go out and ask them to come in and change the channel for me. I didn’t watch TV. But I didn’t care about that. I really didn’t care. I just wanted to sleep.

They asked me if I felt safe. I said yes.  They told me to tell them if I felt even the slightest bit unsafe. I said okay.  I wasn’t scared.  I didn’t care if I was terrified, lonely beyond belief, despising myself, tearing myself apart, sitting comatose in that stupid blue chair, staring straight ahead, crying, plotting my death, killing myself from the inside out. It was normal. I didn’t care. I just wanted to sleep.

They asked me if I felt safe. I said yes.  My food was delivered already cut into four pieces, no matter the meal or its size, the plastic knife conveniently removed from the plastic wrapped packaging it shared with the fork, spoon, and napkin. I ate in solitude, alone in my room. I hardly left my room. Yet I didn't care.  I was always alone anyways.  So I didn't care.  I just wanted to sleep.

They asked me if I felt safe. I said yes.  I was there for four days, waiting for an opening upstairs in the adolescent ward.  There were six beds in my unit.  They were empty for my first three days.  But I didn’t care. I lived in isolation inside my sparse room, only leaving to ask them to unlock my bathroom door or for my twice a day check-ups where they took my blood pressure and temperature and weight. But really, I didn’t care. I just wanted to sleep.

They asked me if I felt safe. I said yes.  I just wanted to die.  But they told me that they’d help me, and that I’d get better. And maybe I was naïve and maybe I even believed them for a little bit.  But I still wanted to die. And I didn’t care anymore. I just wanted to sleep.

They asked me if I felt safe. I said yes.  They moved me up to the adolescent ward after four days. A bed had opened up. I stayed for another two weeks. Then they said I was no longer in immediate crisis mode and packed me up and shipped me off home. I had intensive outpatient therapy for a few months, but eventually that died down and they trusted me. They shouldn’t have trusted me. I gave up hope a of ever getting better a long time ago.  I decided to put on a face, and try, and “make progress,” but only on the surface. I did it to get everyone off of my back. So they think I’m better. They think I’m safe. Everyone thinks I'm safe.  I’m not in immediate danger or crisis mode right now, true.  I seem to be managing everything.  But underneath it all, I’m worse than ever, because I no longer have even the faintest of desires to get better.  I’ve given up. I’d rather be dead than cured. I’d choose death over happiness in an instant.  I won’t do anything today, or tomorrow, or this week.  I’m just biding my time until the moment’s right.  But I don't care. I just want to sleep.

They asked me if I felt safe. I said yes.  It wasn’t until later that I realized they were never asking me if I was scared.  They were asking me if I was going to try and hurt myself even more.  They were asking me if I was safe from the monsters in my head. They were asking me if I was safe from myself.

They asked me if I felt safe. I said yes.  But my real answer is no.

**Author's Note:**

> THERE IS NO SHAME IN ASKING FOR HELP, Here is a link to the international suicide hotlines:  
> http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
> 
> Be kind to yourself, patient and compassionate with others, smile, laugh, spend time with people who make you happy, and above all else, remember that "kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."  
> If you ever need someone to talk to, or encourage you, or believe in you, or you just need a friend, I am always here for you. So please don't ever think that you are alone, because you are not. You can find me on tumblr at lia-is-in-love.tumblr.com
> 
> I love you all so much and I hope that each and every one of you find the happiness and peace in life that you deserve. Do not give up. Do not lose faith. Stay strong. You are worth it. I'm going to leave with a wonderful quote, "To the world, you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world."
> 
> Lots of love,  
> -Lia


End file.
